Bill Pooped Here - Wauconda Civil War Reenactment

Okay, truth be told, I didn’t actually poop here this past weekend (though it most certainly wasn’t for a lack of trying), however, these portable toilets do mark the spot where I had one of my worst diarrhea moments of all time. It occurred back in July of 2007. Jen and I had just gotten home from her lung transplant evaluation in St. Louis a few days earlier and were getting ready to move down to St. Louis the following week. The Wauconda Civil War reenactment landed on the weekend in-between, and, despite not feeling well at all, I decided to attend. Little did I know I was pretty close to death at this point, my body having been suffering a B-12 deficiency for many months thanks to my not having realized I was supposed to be taking B-12 following my surgery a year earlier. I also wasn’t going to the doctor like I should have been due to a lack of health insurance -- I was supposed to have it with my job but they screwed me over due to a few weeks where I worked part time rather than full time because my wife was in the hospital. I also wasn’t going to the doctor at that time because I figured my weakness and frequent diarrhea was just a result of the Crohn’s Disease and thus something I needed to get used too. I used the same excuse with my low weight which had dropped below a hundred pounds by that point. On the plus side I did look like a very accurate Confederate soldier.

So, there I was at the reenactment, body clad in a heavy wool uniform, temperature outside nearing a hundred degrees with like an eighty percent humidity. The night before I had tried to sleep on the ground next to a campfire with a wool blanket, body unable to get much rest due to joint / back pain, a blinding headache, and the mosquitoes which were buzzing in my ears all night long. Saturday night promised more of the same but I was determined to stick it out because I hadn’t been to a reenactment in a while and actually did enjoy myself during the hot days when I got to talk to the crowd about what life was like for the average Civil War soldier. And then it hit . . .

My food all that day had been stuff we cooked over the campfire plus a real greasy fried chicken the event had given us, items that were sure to cause diarrhea back then. Of course, during that time period everything seemed to cause diarrhea so I kind of expected it. I also figured I didn’t have to worry about finding a bathroom because, as you can see from the picture, they had a dozen of them thirty feet away. Little did I know those bathrooms hadn’t been cleaned at all since the event had begun, and there wasn’t a single square of toilet paper left in any of them -- normally this is never a problem at reenactments, so someone really screwed up when planning that event. Even worse, they had pretty much been in the sun all day, so the smell was . . . well, I’m sure you can image it.

The diarrhea cramps hit after dark while I was spread out by the fire, but didn’t actually mean I was going to have diarrhea for a while, so I sat there waiting for the moment to come. Looking back it would have been better if I had at least gone into the bathrooms to see what awaited me because I could have made other plans while I still had time. Once the diarrhea hit it was too late. I hurried to the bathrooms and found the first one pretty much filled up to the toilet seat with all kinds of waste, both bodily and just stuff people had thrown away (I was only partially able to see thanks to a light that was shining from the one of the event buildings). Not wanting to use that one, I moved to the next and then the next and the next, my eyes soon discovering every one was pretty much full to the top and that I had no choice really and had to sit down at one and suffer the splashback that occured. As you can image the buzzing flies provided even more disgust, especially when considering all the juicy areas they had most certainly visited prior to landing upon my exposed flesh. I then discovered there was no toilet paper. Thankfully it was dark out and there weren’t many people around so I didn’t see a problem with ducking over to the next toilet while partially exposed, and then the next one when I discovered that one was out of toilet paper as well. Eventually I realized I was out of luck and hurried over to the woods to use some leaves to clean myself off. Unfortunately I could tell I didn’t do a good job after I went back to camp and could smell fecal matter rising up around me.

Not long after that I was hit with more diarrhea and rather than attempting to use the portable toilets I simply headed into the woods and sat against a tree, my pants completely off so I didn’t have to try and dodge them, mosquitoes attaching me like crazy. This occurred over and over again for about two hours, and at some point I decided it was time to head home. Of course it was over an hour drive and the diarrhea did not let up. Making it worse some of the trip was through wooded areas so I continued having to use trees and leaves whenever the moment came. It was horrible.

Two days later I finally went to the doctor. It was then that I learned about my B-12 issues. Ever since then things have been better. I still have had a fair share of diarrhea incidents, many while out at reenactments or while on the road, but none were ever as bad as that experience at the 2007 Wauconda Civil War days. Thankfully that event has also realized they need to have someone come out and clean those toilets everyday -- in fact, they do it twice a day now.